I live in a place where warm and sunny is best embraced while it's here. Hence several days of sunshine have led me to delay my usual weekly posting. I'm comfortable with this choice. I'd like to say I immersed myself in the moment. I was out there enjoying myself, but I also polluted the moments with worry.
This is the most difficult of my posts to date. Difficult in both content and construction. Content because I'm facing truths about myself and the world that I'd rather not. Construction because the unpleasant feelings are challenging my confidence in writing.
I have long professed that the purpose of life is to learn and grow. After an important life experience three years ago I modified it: "My purpose in life is to learn, grow, and be there." And I mean it - when the growth opportunities are of my choosing or feel manageable or better yet, are fun.
This is not another blame session. I've learned that blaming others is an escape but solves nothing. I'm learning that I deserve that same respect. I've come far; I'm doing the best I can; and I have faults just like everyone.
And there's the rub. Life is messy and unfair. There are no absolutes, no black and white. Nature is beautiful, life-affirming, unpredictable, and sometimes unforgiving. People are clever, loving, and persistent; they're also ignorant, greedy, and lazy. Even the best spiritual leaders offer guidelines, nurtured through their own experience of making mistakes and trying again, that must be viewed as a collective, applied with perspective, and can be modified over time.
As for me, I can get much of what I want from life. But life also presents choices, challenges, and consequences. Sometimes I behave with courage; sometimes I manage okay; and sometimes I try to cope through avoidance, rationalizing, or other wishful thinking. I wish to live with acceptance and reiliancy, and sometimes I do. I can see that I'm happier overall when I can keep life in perspective, and I can't say that I prefer my perspective lately.
I've discovered a habit of self sabatoge that comes up even when I'm attempting a healthier alternative. It's repetitive and pervasive but subconscious. I'm sure I mean well, but it's out of hand and no longer serving myself or others. My intention is to work on it while keeping the perspctive that it doesn't define me. It's causing problems, so I'm opting for it to leave. Because the phone rang while I was writing this post, and I did it again!
This is the most difficult of my posts to date. Difficult in both content and construction. Content because I'm facing truths about myself and the world that I'd rather not. Construction because the unpleasant feelings are challenging my confidence in writing.
I have long professed that the purpose of life is to learn and grow. After an important life experience three years ago I modified it: "My purpose in life is to learn, grow, and be there." And I mean it - when the growth opportunities are of my choosing or feel manageable or better yet, are fun.
This is not another blame session. I've learned that blaming others is an escape but solves nothing. I'm learning that I deserve that same respect. I've come far; I'm doing the best I can; and I have faults just like everyone.
And there's the rub. Life is messy and unfair. There are no absolutes, no black and white. Nature is beautiful, life-affirming, unpredictable, and sometimes unforgiving. People are clever, loving, and persistent; they're also ignorant, greedy, and lazy. Even the best spiritual leaders offer guidelines, nurtured through their own experience of making mistakes and trying again, that must be viewed as a collective, applied with perspective, and can be modified over time.
As for me, I can get much of what I want from life. But life also presents choices, challenges, and consequences. Sometimes I behave with courage; sometimes I manage okay; and sometimes I try to cope through avoidance, rationalizing, or other wishful thinking. I wish to live with acceptance and reiliancy, and sometimes I do. I can see that I'm happier overall when I can keep life in perspective, and I can't say that I prefer my perspective lately.
I've discovered a habit of self sabatoge that comes up even when I'm attempting a healthier alternative. It's repetitive and pervasive but subconscious. I'm sure I mean well, but it's out of hand and no longer serving myself or others. My intention is to work on it while keeping the perspctive that it doesn't define me. It's causing problems, so I'm opting for it to leave. Because the phone rang while I was writing this post, and I did it again!
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