In the last three years, death has come to three people very close to me - my spouse, my son in-law, and just last week a dear friend I consider a sister. My heart grieves the loss of their love and laughter.
The well known phrase about death and taxes is so very true. Loved ones die but paperwork keeps coming. In fact, death brings an onslaught of paperwork to those left behind. When she was in hospice care, I asked my spouse to take the computer and our paper files with her into the afterlife so she could continue this grievous task. Her response: "I'll try." But darn, it hasn't happened yet. So for three years, I've been managing on my own. So far, no dire consequences. But still I long for peaceful acceptance.
Today I dealt with vast amounts of it. While applying for a job online (deadline today), I discovered that my copies of college transcripts have vanished. In preparation for filing legal documents, I discovered that I mailed an envelope via delivery confirmation, rather than registered or certified mail as required. Ugh .. more paperwork.
Paperwork is a necessary evil that belongs to neither my heart nor my soul. To the credit of myself and all my supporters, today I grieved only for loved ones lost.
My therapist suggested art!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
But I'm so smart!
From what I've read from reliable
sources, it's common that adult women with ADD have high intelligence.
I'm left wondering whether high intelligence is common for women with
ADD generally or if it takes a highly intelligent and persistent woman
to finally get labeled (I reject the term, "diagnosed") with ADD at
middle age.
When I called my mom to tell her that I was being "treated" for ADD, her immediate response: "But you did so well in school." Hence one reason that adults in my life missed knowing that ADD might apply to me is because I'm book smart and, as a child, compliant.
I was reading by age three and considering which college to attend by age four. As long as I can remember, I've received accolades for being smart; it's a strength I enjoy and upon which I self identify.
Like any strength, intelligence can be over-utilized at the expense of other strategies in life. Social conventions, for instance, often confuse or slip past me, unless a book or friend convinces me to my satisfaction that I might care, describes in detail the nuances involved, and then helps me practice and provides feedback as I learn.
Sometimes I confuse experience with an ability to learn patiently. Let's say I don't know how to change the punctured tube for my bicycle. My perception that I should already know this skill can interfere with a willingness to be creative in finding out how. My assumption that it must be quick and easy (because it is for those who already know how) interferes with my willingness to be patient in learning. And if I overlook steps or am missing appropriate tools ... well, forget it!
Sometimes I under-estimate what's involved in reaching a goal. "How hard can it be?" Oh, realizing that I need to shop for groceries before I can cook a meal is insufficient. I need to know what ingredients work well together, remember or note what ingredients I have on hand so I can purchase the others, and begin making the meal before I'm hungry and ready to eat.
Now that ADD has been discovered as relevant to me, I see that it's been a lifelong challenge. Of course, I've only lived life as me, so honestly it's possible that I can be confusing consequences from ADD with other factors. But isn't that what my life is for? Learning about myself and the world for the purpose of living here more mindfully.
When I called my mom to tell her that I was being "treated" for ADD, her immediate response: "But you did so well in school." Hence one reason that adults in my life missed knowing that ADD might apply to me is because I'm book smart and, as a child, compliant.
I was reading by age three and considering which college to attend by age four. As long as I can remember, I've received accolades for being smart; it's a strength I enjoy and upon which I self identify.
Like any strength, intelligence can be over-utilized at the expense of other strategies in life. Social conventions, for instance, often confuse or slip past me, unless a book or friend convinces me to my satisfaction that I might care, describes in detail the nuances involved, and then helps me practice and provides feedback as I learn.
Sometimes I confuse experience with an ability to learn patiently. Let's say I don't know how to change the punctured tube for my bicycle. My perception that I should already know this skill can interfere with a willingness to be creative in finding out how. My assumption that it must be quick and easy (because it is for those who already know how) interferes with my willingness to be patient in learning. And if I overlook steps or am missing appropriate tools ... well, forget it!
Sometimes I under-estimate what's involved in reaching a goal. "How hard can it be?" Oh, realizing that I need to shop for groceries before I can cook a meal is insufficient. I need to know what ingredients work well together, remember or note what ingredients I have on hand so I can purchase the others, and begin making the meal before I'm hungry and ready to eat.
Now that ADD has been discovered as relevant to me, I see that it's been a lifelong challenge. Of course, I've only lived life as me, so honestly it's possible that I can be confusing consequences from ADD with other factors. But isn't that what my life is for? Learning about myself and the world for the purpose of living here more mindfully.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Goodness!
Yay, having a good day!
In fact, these come more often than the blog may imply. This may be the way the ADD/anxiety combination works - at least for me: strong feelings. And when I'm feeling good, nothing can be better!
I worked hard this week to get here, which may be part of the joy. I meditated in earnest. I reminded myself that I am loved - truly loved. I spoke with kind and loving friends, hopefully without being too much. I told myself to "get it together." When anxiety came, I perceived it as a call to action but not my essence. And I reviewed my "life accomplishments" - an emotional/spiritual resume of the choices and challenges through which I have persisted, if not with perfect courage or pure intent, at least with the best I could muster at the time and with some interesting experiences and stories (another blog?) as a result.
In addition, a high school classmate passed from this life as a result of Leukemia. And J found herself with family at a funeral. Sometimes I find that perspective turns into guilt, but this time perspective was ... perspective.
Best of all, I reminded myself to be patient and persistent. What I truly desire manifests. A thought can be the beginning, not the whole deal. And I'm a work in progress. If I were done, I wouldn't still be here among the living.
I'm not prone to traditional addictions, but my 12-step friends got it right. One day at a time. And I'm enjoying this one.
In fact, these come more often than the blog may imply. This may be the way the ADD/anxiety combination works - at least for me: strong feelings. And when I'm feeling good, nothing can be better!
I worked hard this week to get here, which may be part of the joy. I meditated in earnest. I reminded myself that I am loved - truly loved. I spoke with kind and loving friends, hopefully without being too much. I told myself to "get it together." When anxiety came, I perceived it as a call to action but not my essence. And I reviewed my "life accomplishments" - an emotional/spiritual resume of the choices and challenges through which I have persisted, if not with perfect courage or pure intent, at least with the best I could muster at the time and with some interesting experiences and stories (another blog?) as a result.
In addition, a high school classmate passed from this life as a result of Leukemia. And J found herself with family at a funeral. Sometimes I find that perspective turns into guilt, but this time perspective was ... perspective.
Best of all, I reminded myself to be patient and persistent. What I truly desire manifests. A thought can be the beginning, not the whole deal. And I'm a work in progress. If I were done, I wouldn't still be here among the living.
I'm not prone to traditional addictions, but my 12-step friends got it right. One day at a time. And I'm enjoying this one.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Relationships with myself and others.
Executive Function: That's how the ADD experts refer to the boring routines of life that tend to get me and others like me into trouble. It means that tasks like laundry, bills, and cooking may get done but not necessarily timely or well. As my therapist explained, it takes more stress as compared with others before someone with ADD gets moving. But it takes less stress by comparison before we're overwhelmed. In other words, tasks that others find dull or distasteful we find difficult or abhorent. And problems that others find inconvenient or disagreeable we find horrible or disastrous. The result in my experience is that I can procrastinate or avoid tasks that at some point end up resulting in anxiety. And it sure is difficult to manage life - the responsibilities and the fun - when I'm feeling anxious.
Needless to say, this situation can create difficulties in relationships - with myself and others. Luckily, my bills get paid and I don't have addictions. But it can seem to others that I don't take responsibilities seriously, that I overreact to life's bumps, and that I am self absorbed. Of course, I don't enjoy the experience. I also try hard and get disappointed when I fall short. Which means I often disappoint myself and others.
I am well liked. I'm working toward respect.
Needless to say, this situation can create difficulties in relationships - with myself and others. Luckily, my bills get paid and I don't have addictions. But it can seem to others that I don't take responsibilities seriously, that I overreact to life's bumps, and that I am self absorbed. Of course, I don't enjoy the experience. I also try hard and get disappointed when I fall short. Which means I often disappoint myself and others.
I am well liked. I'm working toward respect.
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