Mini meditations and moving forward!

I like the idea that life moves forward in my comfort zone. Or if I'm going to be challenged, in ways that invigorate me without actually scaring me. No such luck. Well, life does move forward - whether I join the party or not. One of the lessons is patience with the overall flow. I'm learning - or perhaps, more accurately, re-learning - to take mistakes, hurts, and fears less personally and to live in the reality of the moment. I'd been allowing my feelings around a personal challenge to take over too much of my life, as evidenced by my inability to enjoy a Saturday in nature with a friend without being distracted by worry.

On Monday, I meditated while riding the bus home from work - about a half hour. I could feel my nerves calm! When I arrived home, I had some tasks I wanted to complete before bed. Often I look at a list of tasks as something to dread, resent, and rush through. This time I meditated before each task long enough to feel my nerves calm - typically 2-3 minutes - then began the task at hand while reminding myself aloud, "We're only" washing dishes, bathing the dog, or whatever. Whenever I felt my patience run thin or nerves fray, I stopped for another "mini meditation." I noticed that I completed the tasks with attention, enjoyment, patience, and vigor (and as my dad might say, not "half ass") and, despite the frequent breaks, was willing to work all evening and accomplish much.

On Tusday, I meditated on the way to work. Before 9:00 a.m., I'd thought of a way to move forward on the personal challenge in a way that regret, worry, and fear could not produce. I felt pride and got right to work!

I like to call life a bunny hop - two steps back and three forward. Tonight J sent a text and asked me to let her know when the dishes were done. I washed the dishes but without a mini meditation first and hence, no real focus. Not long after J arrived home, I heard water running in the kitchen. "Hmm. Oh crap, she is re-washing the dishes, and she doesn't look happy." Too late to meditate before the dishes. But I meditated so I wouldn't over-react to her feelings. I wonder how long I'll need to meditate before deciding whether to propose she read today's post.

Reality.

I live in a place where warm and sunny is best embraced while it's here. Hence several days of sunshine have led me to delay my usual weekly posting. I'm comfortable with this choice. I'd like to say I immersed myself in the moment. I was out there enjoying myself, but I also polluted the moments with worry.
This is the most difficult of my posts to date. Difficult in both content and construction. Content because I'm facing truths about myself and the world that I'd rather not. Construction because the unpleasant feelings are challenging my confidence in writing.
I have long professed that the purpose of life is to learn and grow. After an important life experience three years ago I modified it: "My purpose in life is to learn, grow, and be there." And I mean it - when the growth opportunities are of my choosing or feel manageable or better yet, are fun.
This is not another blame session. I've learned that blaming others is an escape but solves nothing. I'm learning that I deserve that same respect. I've come far; I'm doing the best I can; and I have faults just like everyone.
And there's the rub. Life is messy and unfair. There are no absolutes, no black and white. Nature is beautiful, life-affirming, unpredictable, and sometimes unforgiving. People are clever, loving, and persistent; they're also ignorant, greedy, and lazy. Even the best spiritual leaders offer guidelines, nurtured through their own experience of making mistakes and trying again, that must be viewed as a collective, applied with perspective, and can be modified over time.
As for me, I can get much of what I want from life. But life also presents choices, challenges, and consequences. Sometimes I behave with courage; sometimes I manage okay; and sometimes I try to cope through avoidance, rationalizing, or other wishful thinking. I wish to live with acceptance and reiliancy, and sometimes I do. I can see that I'm happier overall when I can keep life in perspective, and I can't say that I prefer my perspective lately.
I've discovered a habit of self sabatoge that comes up even when I'm attempting a healthier alternative. It's repetitive and pervasive but subconscious. I'm sure I mean well, but it's out of hand and no longer serving myself or others. My intention is to work on it while keeping the perspctive that it doesn't define me. It's causing problems, so I'm opting for it to leave. Because the phone rang while I was writing this post, and I did it again!

Turned it around!

Was feeling awful for a few days. Not sure why. But I picked a fight with J - about mopping the stairs, for goodness sake. I also burst into tears while at lunch with longtime friend E, who suggested an appointment about menopause. Oh, goodness! Okay, scheduled that for next week, two days before I see the psychiatrist. Had a quick call from the therapist, who told me (politely, of course) that I need patience with the process/myself.
Dinner with a few women friends scheduled at our place last evening. I was home early from work because I needed a break between events. Have I mentioned that I am a sociable introvert? It turns out the extroverts put me on the hot seat. I was oh-so-lovingly challenged to respect myself more, to meditate regularly (self-affirming meditation was suggested ), and to exercise more patience (hmm, that again) to reduce the perspective of "pressure."
This morning J sacrificed her intended motorcycle ride to make me an omelet because she knew I hadn't been eating, a side effect when anxious. Then she drove us to a local coffee shop and dropped me off at work. Fabulous! I appreciate the support from others. And clearly, a gentle morning, although necessitating arising earlier, is far preferable to grudgingly dragging myself out of bed at the last moment with only a list of tasks on the horizon. I made a conscious decision to replace the "grumpy messages" in my head with happier ones. Best day in quite some time! And I scheduled early morning coffee with an acquaitance for two days from now, to hold me to the commitment to an enjoyable start to the day.

Lows and Highs

Sadly, Bug made some appearances during vacation. What a waste of precious time away from work and with loved ones.

Back to work yesterday. I had a heck of a time getting myself out of bed. It was feeling like everything I was looking forward to in the day were things I'd rather avoid or should magically resolve without me. I consulted a dear friend L who could relate. She sent me an e-mail essay, with a graphic description of an unreal and invisible but heavy suitcase that I might be carrying around. The suitcase contains the rules and mistakes from the past and fears for the future - put there by myself and others. Hence, she encouraged me to let go of the handle and live in the present moment.

For some time, J has been talking about how she listens and responds to intuition. Yesterday I was able to see that the times from the past that I regret are when I acted in conflict with the intuition - although I could hear it - out of fear. So the lesson isn't that I need to condemn or repair the past, but rather to learn from it and respect intuition over fear. The intuition will lead me now and into the future.

Additionally, it has been pointed out how I abuse myself mentally and emotionally. Yesterday I realized my habit has been to send loving messages to others but none to myself. How wonderful to begin telling myself: How far you've come; You are doing the hard stuff and making progress; You are wonderful; Sometimes life is difficult but not always or forever; You are doing well and just need to keep doing your best.

I just tried turning those last statements to "I am" and "my." For some reason, "you are" and "your" are making a preferable impact for now.