Visiting the Parents

As my title indicates, my age is 45. So I'm an adult child, visiting her parents who live in another state. I've brought "the girl" J with me for the first time. Since I average one trip per year here, I prefer to focus upon family interaction over seeing the sights. Since she is recovering from an illness, J has been patient in sticking close to the house and meeting quite a number of relatives. My family knew my longtime female partner, so there's no drama regarding whom I date. And no matter my age, my parents continue to offer me their comfort. All is going well.

Except that I have this nagging stress - let's name it Bug - that insists upon sitting with me no matter how much I prefer it to leave. I have some challenges in my life that I helped to create or allowed to fester. Not intentionally, of course, just from misguided intentions. But there they are. I've begun the hard work to resolve or re-route them. But Bug is much too loud, making the job harder and pooping on the good stuff. The silver lining, I suppose, is that the messes belong to me.

So I see that I need to develop new habits which, it has been said in many ways, will create new patterns and the new life I seek. And I've begun.

• I've stopped focusing on the shortcomings of others so that I can see where I need to grow;
• I'm asking others to show me how to do things, rather than taking care of it for me;
• I'm sitting longer with frustration when confused and learning to solve problems myself; and
• I'm facing big challenges and despite the discomfort, tackling them one step at a time.

Most of the people who love me plus my therapist have all said that the parts of my life I regret have come about because I was busy trying to rescue or please someone(s) else at the expense of myself. My dad today threw in the irony that caring for myself is the best way to care for others so they don't need to care for me and I can truly be there for them. Great advice.

What I want myself to know is that the challenges are there, no matter how I feel about them, so stop listening to Bug's chatter. Ignore the fear and live in love.

First Entry: My feelings today about ADD and anxiety.

Today I'm feeling sorry for myself. But I'm also seeing it as a break. I'm asking myself, "Now what?"

After several years on anti-anxiety medication, I started one recently that is meant to assist the symptoms of ADD. I burst into tears of joy when the pharmacy called, after so many years of waiting and struggling. I was surprised to feel differently already after only 20 minutes of swallowing the first pill. In the last 18 days, I have celebrated my fortune in health insurance, therapist, psychiatrist, and availability of medication. I've also arisen by 7:00 a.m. on the weekend, walked for a fundraiser to prevent suicide, volunteered at a local park renovation, and announced to my loved ones my intention to inspire or otherwise assist others who struggle with mental illness.

Yet today I called in sick to work; delayed climbing out of bed until my current lover and roommate J insisted the dog needed out; and ate only because J is home with pneumonia and invited me along to go get a sandwich. When I lay down on the sofa to zone out, J reminded me that I wanted to start a blog about my experiences with ADD and anxiety, offered to create it for me, and stated this was a perfect time and venue to describe what I am feeling in this moment.

Like many of us who struggle with our minds, I've been seeing a great therapist for many years. I'm a good person. I try to be loving, kind, patient, and supportive of others. I listen to good advice about how to be happy. I read books, practice meditation, eat healthy, exercise, and pay my bills on time.

But still I struggle. I want to be that person who appreciates my gifts, sees the silver lining, and celebrates the joys in life. I want to embrace the moment without distraction. And I do - sometimes, for a while. And then I go right back to regretting mistakes from the past and fearing what the future might bring.

Over the years, my mind has found creative ways to seek peace but avoid pesky details. I've learned to avoid or placate "mean" people; I have a large financial debt from multiple degrees; I'm the landlord for an adult child of my deceased partner in a geographically isolated town where I no longer live; and I have a job that keeps me employed but does nothing to feed my soul. I have a hell of a mess to clean up and possess a mind that adds to the challenge. If only I lived in a time or place that valued my differences.

Instead I want to embrace this perception - feel it and live it. I'm good at surrounding myself with kind and helpful people and I've gained skills in working with those I find difficult; I've had the opportunity to study multiple subjects while continuing to keep myself housed, dressed, and fed; after 17 years with a special woman in my life, I've moved to a city I prefer and I'm learning landlord skills; and I'm gainfully employed with outside options to feed my soul. I've learned much along the way, and there's more to come. I live in a time and place where I can cope with my differences.

This is the first post of my first blog, following the psychiatrist's suggestion I try my hand at art. I've started scribbling with colored pencils on the bus ride to work. On occasion, I sketch still items, but that tends to encourage more self consciousness. I've enjoyed memoir writing and public speaking for many years. I'm hoping this blog is therapeutic for me, helps leads me other places I belong, and offers recognition, comfort, knowledge, or inspiration among anyone who stumble across it.