Since we met two years ago, I have enjoyed the company of J, who is smart and fun. For ten months, J and I have shared living quarters. For the last 2-1/2 weeks, she has been out of town. Even on vacation, she is ridiculously productive. If there is something called anti-ADD, she has it.
For the first several days of J's absence, I felt free to pursue my own interests without with or around her concerns. As time passed, I missed her presence. I also noticed that my productivity level at home plummeted. Although my intentions were good and the tasks were things I could do on my own, I found myself unable to concentrate. Craving company, I turned to social media, leaving most of my tasks yet undone.
Exasperated, I called friend B who lives nearby. I asked if she could just sit with me while I went through paperwork. She agreed, adding that she would even be willing to file! With B's help, I put the most urgent and emotionally laden papers into order. She offered that she would return in the New Year, bringing colored files to replace the manila ones I have been using. She stayed a bit longer to chat while I managed other tasks on my own. She asked if I needed her help with the dishes. I laughed and said no, I'd be okay with those.
As it happens, B is part of a small group of us who continue to meet weekly for coffee before work (months after I started the group as a way to distract myself from the feeling of dread for too many difficult tasks in the day). Along with other friends, I was invited to the home of B and her spouse for Thanksgiving dinner. I had a wonderful time eating, laughing, and enjoying their company. When I mentioned to B that I needed more "community" in my life, she said, "They're called friends."
Thanksgiving is my favorite of holidays. A day set aside specifically for gratitude, along with food, family, and friends is meaningful and wonderful. By telephone I spoke with family and friends who live in other towns and states to wish them a happy day of thanks and to express my gratitude for them in my life.
Friday again brought meager attempts at "getting stuff done." Yay, J arrived home Friday night! I talked with her about this post, which by then, was partially written. She reflected on past feelings of self judgment for her dislike of being alone. And I stated the obvious. Human beings are social creatures; we need one another.
Saturday afternoon, while J worked, I met with B and a few others for coffee and a discussion around having closer, more connected relationships with neighbors and friends. Ironic because we drove an hour to get there! Great discussion and some baby steps made.
It's late Sunday morning, and I still have plenty of tasks before me. But J is here, B and I were on the phone briefly this morning, and one of the members from Saturday's discussion is joining me for more discussion and a walk of my dog this coming week.
As I sit here, watching with guilt as J cleans the kitchen from top to bottom, I'm left with a few thoughts. Like most things in life, community is fluid. Sometimes we feel that we have too much and sometimes too little. At some point, being alone becomes overwhelming because I become aware of all that needs to be done without the ability to manage it all. I have many gifts which become only more meaningful when I notice, honor, and appreciate them. Frustrations and disappointments are temporary conditions that I can observe, experience, or change.
I experience large waves of guilt whenever my mom or a friend of mine visits and cleans my kitchen. My mom's love language is "acts of service" and she relishes an opportunity to show her love by doing something for me.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate her doing it for me, but the inevitable internal conversation I have with myself sounds something like this: "I'm an adult and nobody else should have to clean up after me. I should be able to clean my own kitchen. I should have been more vigilant with my kids and made sure they cleaned up after themselves. I should have created better habits and kept the kitchen clean myself. If I were a better mom, wife, person etc. I would be able to clean my own kitchen."
I think it's clear how powerful and damaging that word "should" is. It's become a red flag to me signaling judgment - either from others or the most insidious type: self judgment. If I could ban it from our language, I would! My primary focus is to learn to be kinder to myself. I work on finding positive things to say to myself instead.
"My mom loves to do my dishes. There are things that I can do that she (and other people) can't. I don't have to to be good at house work. It ok foe me to be good at other things instead." At the same time, I also work on ways to get the kitchen clean myself when it need to be. :-) Work in progress.