I have been away ... from posting. No vacation. The easy joke is that someone with ADD is empassioned easily and then, just as easily, is distracted from a commitment just made. Which, in my case, can be true. But this blog is no whim for me. I enjoy communication - reading, writing, talking, delivering speeches, dreaming, meditating, and laughing - as a means to process thoughts and feelings. Words are my art.
The break came about for two reasons. First I have been considering what direction to take this blog. Since adult ADD is not the only challenge in my life, I was wondering whether I wanted to broaden the scope of my story. But adult ADD impacts my vision, which is why I write this blog. So I choose to deliver my story through an adult ADD lens.
Second, people I care for have died, the most recently just weeks ago. Despite living in a culture that prefers to deny death and loss, I engross myself in processing my feelings and, hopefully, healing from loss. As most experts suggest, journaling is a wonderful means for working through thoughts and feelings. I'm also aware that private journals and public blogs serve different purposes. So I took time from the blog until I could write with some clarity.
My life partner "Diane" died from Acute Leukemia at age 50. This week, the third anniversary of her death, I reflect on our 16-year relationship. Among other challenges, we both faced the anxiety and then not-yet-identified ADD that I brought with me. Although we did the best we could, I find I carry residual anger and resentments at the places where we tried but failed. And the places where we gave up.
Four months after Diane's death, our son in-law "Greg" died by suicide in his early 30s. I had shared in the joy of his marriage to Diane's older daughter "Anna" and the birth of their amazing son. Anna moved into the house that Diane and I shared in a small, isolated town where I no longer live. Just last week, Anna and I ended up in court to sever this malfunctioning business relationship. My anxiety over managing the house and the relationship brought me to begin treatment for ADD four months ago at age 45. Naturally, Anna feels abandoned by Greg, as do I because she was happier and our relationship more satisfactory with him in our lives.
Less than two months ago, I received a phone call from the teen son of my good friend "Nancy" that they were at the hospital because Nancy had suffered a heart attack (not her first). The doctors were "trying to keep her alive." Later in the morning he called again to report, "She did not make it." Until they moved to her childhood home, Nancy and her two adopted children were frequent visitors at the home that Diane and I shared. Nancy took a flight to visit us near the end of Diane's life. My dog and I drove 12 hours each way to visit Nancy and her extended family for the week of New Years following Diane's death and just prior to Greg's. Days before her death, I learned that Nancy too faced the challenge of ADD. When she died, I lost a confidant.
I am grateful to learn that adult ADD explains some of the challenges my life because now I'm learning ways to face these challenges head on. At the same time, I am disappointed that this knowledge didn't come until mid-life because 45 years has strained relationships with myself and others, some with whom I can now only relate in the spirit world.
The break came about for two reasons. First I have been considering what direction to take this blog. Since adult ADD is not the only challenge in my life, I was wondering whether I wanted to broaden the scope of my story. But adult ADD impacts my vision, which is why I write this blog. So I choose to deliver my story through an adult ADD lens.
Second, people I care for have died, the most recently just weeks ago. Despite living in a culture that prefers to deny death and loss, I engross myself in processing my feelings and, hopefully, healing from loss. As most experts suggest, journaling is a wonderful means for working through thoughts and feelings. I'm also aware that private journals and public blogs serve different purposes. So I took time from the blog until I could write with some clarity.
My life partner "Diane" died from Acute Leukemia at age 50. This week, the third anniversary of her death, I reflect on our 16-year relationship. Among other challenges, we both faced the anxiety and then not-yet-identified ADD that I brought with me. Although we did the best we could, I find I carry residual anger and resentments at the places where we tried but failed. And the places where we gave up.
Four months after Diane's death, our son in-law "Greg" died by suicide in his early 30s. I had shared in the joy of his marriage to Diane's older daughter "Anna" and the birth of their amazing son. Anna moved into the house that Diane and I shared in a small, isolated town where I no longer live. Just last week, Anna and I ended up in court to sever this malfunctioning business relationship. My anxiety over managing the house and the relationship brought me to begin treatment for ADD four months ago at age 45. Naturally, Anna feels abandoned by Greg, as do I because she was happier and our relationship more satisfactory with him in our lives.
Less than two months ago, I received a phone call from the teen son of my good friend "Nancy" that they were at the hospital because Nancy had suffered a heart attack (not her first). The doctors were "trying to keep her alive." Later in the morning he called again to report, "She did not make it." Until they moved to her childhood home, Nancy and her two adopted children were frequent visitors at the home that Diane and I shared. Nancy took a flight to visit us near the end of Diane's life. My dog and I drove 12 hours each way to visit Nancy and her extended family for the week of New Years following Diane's death and just prior to Greg's. Days before her death, I learned that Nancy too faced the challenge of ADD. When she died, I lost a confidant.
I am grateful to learn that adult ADD explains some of the challenges my life because now I'm learning ways to face these challenges head on. At the same time, I am disappointed that this knowledge didn't come until mid-life because 45 years has strained relationships with myself and others, some with whom I can now only relate in the spirit world.
Suggestion: it was hard to follow your post because of all the letters instead of names. I found myself trying to keep track of who was who. It would be easier with names (even if they are not real). i.e., if your son-in-laws name is Bob, then I immediately have the hint that he is male, since Bob is generally a males name. If I only get "B" then I was missing that cue to help me sort through the individuals... time I could have been spent processing your message. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAnon,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. I'd prefer that my posts are useful, which requires that they can be read easily. I've edited this post, with names included.
Try another read. And comment again, if you like!