I have a terrible fear of conflict.
Yeah, if only it were spiders. Those I could avoid and yet live my life. But by attempting to avoid conflict, I have sacrificed way too much of myself.
As a child, mainly I met expectations. I was a good daughter, sister, and student. Pleasing people offered rewards of good grades, a good reputation, and plenty of harmony. I had poor abilities in relating with peers, so I avoided them, tolerated unkindness, and did my best to perceive myself as superior.
As a young adult, I attended law school, thinking assertiveness would be in the curriculum. Instead during a course in trial practice, I found myself in the hospital with intravenous sugar water after suffering without food, sleep, or managing my life.
Next I found myself in a relationship with a generous, loving partner. We both offered more than we thought capable. We shared our strengths to ease the burden for the other. However, when dissatisfied, I capitulated, criticized, or attempted to change her mind or behavior. I ended up angry, resentful, and living a life that didn't suit me.
Sadly, it took her death for me make some changes. And the learning curve is quite big. Sometimes I'm proud of myself as I take baby steps to move forward. Sometimes I've overwhelmed by what is before me.
My therapist suggested art!
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Friday, November 9, 2012
Frances and Frannie
It can be amazing to look at my life in hindsight.
For as long as I can remember, anxiety has been in my life. Aware that anxiety is an uncommon response to stress, I assumed that anxiety "happened" to me under certain circumstances. In response, I developed coping mechanisms that "protected" me from facing certain fears. Not surprisingly, the fears and anxiety increased over time. Clearly, something needed changing.
When my partner D was diagnosed in January 2008 with Acute Leukemia (fast-growing blood cancer), one of my first thoughts was, "It's not about me this time." Cancer clearly is more serious than any trouble I faced or feared facing, and I rose to the occasion. During her 20 months of treatment, anxiety came about for me on only two occasions.
As D's family caregiver, I could not be in her presence if I developed something as simple as the common cold; her diminished immune system couldn't manage it. When my nose began to drip or my throat began to itch, I suffered great fear that I had been a carrier of a cold. I head to the nearest medical provider, who relieved my guilt by assuring me that I had an allergy, which is not contagious.
Since D's medical care was enormously expensive, the insurance company was persistently cruel in their attempts to avoid payment. This meant a legal conflict with vast amounts of documentation and the hope that we would prevail. My anxiety level skyrocketed. Despite knowingly facing the end of her life, D led the charge to secure the financial future of her heirs, of which I am one.
When I began to face some challenges that I had been avoiding for the two years since D's death, anxiety re-appeared, undermining the courage and wisdom that I had gained as her caregiver and then as her widow. For nine months, I met with my therapist, spoke with loving family and friends, read from Pema Chodron and other helpful books, and faced the challenge one day at a time. Despite my pride and satisfaction in facing fears and making progress toward practical goals, the anxiety did not lift and I found myself in a downward spiral. Which led me to hypnosis, as described in my post three weeks ago on October 21, 2012.
Since then, I have become more trustful of the world and myself. To increase my self confidence (not to be confused with arrogance), I remind myself that I must care for myself. Hence I must rely upon both Frances and Frannie within me. Frances is "the strong one;" Frannie is more "sensitive."
For many years, Frances and Frannie offered their strengths and vulnerabilities to loved ones, but they neglected one another. Now I am aware that I am at my best when Frances and Frannie cooperate. Frances requires peace - calm, trust, and appreciation. Frannie requires nurturing - time, attention, adventure, food, exercise, meditation, and sleep. Now Frances encourages and attends to Frannie who, when heard and valued, then supports Frances. Together they create structure, patience, resolve, passion, persistence, and joy.
Frances and Frannie - two names for different parts of me. Together they are me!
For as long as I can remember, anxiety has been in my life. Aware that anxiety is an uncommon response to stress, I assumed that anxiety "happened" to me under certain circumstances. In response, I developed coping mechanisms that "protected" me from facing certain fears. Not surprisingly, the fears and anxiety increased over time. Clearly, something needed changing.
When my partner D was diagnosed in January 2008 with Acute Leukemia (fast-growing blood cancer), one of my first thoughts was, "It's not about me this time." Cancer clearly is more serious than any trouble I faced or feared facing, and I rose to the occasion. During her 20 months of treatment, anxiety came about for me on only two occasions.
As D's family caregiver, I could not be in her presence if I developed something as simple as the common cold; her diminished immune system couldn't manage it. When my nose began to drip or my throat began to itch, I suffered great fear that I had been a carrier of a cold. I head to the nearest medical provider, who relieved my guilt by assuring me that I had an allergy, which is not contagious.
Since D's medical care was enormously expensive, the insurance company was persistently cruel in their attempts to avoid payment. This meant a legal conflict with vast amounts of documentation and the hope that we would prevail. My anxiety level skyrocketed. Despite knowingly facing the end of her life, D led the charge to secure the financial future of her heirs, of which I am one.
When I began to face some challenges that I had been avoiding for the two years since D's death, anxiety re-appeared, undermining the courage and wisdom that I had gained as her caregiver and then as her widow. For nine months, I met with my therapist, spoke with loving family and friends, read from Pema Chodron and other helpful books, and faced the challenge one day at a time. Despite my pride and satisfaction in facing fears and making progress toward practical goals, the anxiety did not lift and I found myself in a downward spiral. Which led me to hypnosis, as described in my post three weeks ago on October 21, 2012.
Since then, I have become more trustful of the world and myself. To increase my self confidence (not to be confused with arrogance), I remind myself that I must care for myself. Hence I must rely upon both Frances and Frannie within me. Frances is "the strong one;" Frannie is more "sensitive."
For many years, Frances and Frannie offered their strengths and vulnerabilities to loved ones, but they neglected one another. Now I am aware that I am at my best when Frances and Frannie cooperate. Frances requires peace - calm, trust, and appreciation. Frannie requires nurturing - time, attention, adventure, food, exercise, meditation, and sleep. Now Frances encourages and attends to Frannie who, when heard and valued, then supports Frances. Together they create structure, patience, resolve, passion, persistence, and joy.
Frances and Frannie - two names for different parts of me. Together they are me!
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