I have a terrible fear of conflict.
Yeah, if only it were spiders. Those I could avoid and yet live my life. But by attempting to avoid conflict, I have sacrificed way too much of myself.
As a child, mainly I met expectations. I was a good daughter, sister, and student. Pleasing people offered rewards of good grades, a good reputation, and plenty of harmony. I had poor abilities in relating with peers, so I avoided them, tolerated unkindness, and did my best to perceive myself as superior.
As a young adult, I attended law school, thinking assertiveness would be in the curriculum. Instead during a course in trial practice, I found myself in the hospital with intravenous sugar water after suffering without food, sleep, or managing my life.
Next I found myself in a relationship with a generous, loving partner. We both offered more than we thought capable. We shared our strengths to ease the burden for the other. However, when dissatisfied, I capitulated, criticized, or attempted to change her mind or behavior. I ended up angry, resentful, and living a life that didn't suit me.
Sadly, it took her death for me make some changes. And the learning curve is quite big. Sometimes I'm proud of myself as I take baby steps to move forward. Sometimes I've overwhelmed by what is before me.
