Visiting the Parents

As my title indicates, my age is 45. So I'm an adult child, visiting her parents who live in another state. I've brought "the girl" J with me for the first time. Since I average one trip per year here, I prefer to focus upon family interaction over seeing the sights. Since she is recovering from an illness, J has been patient in sticking close to the house and meeting quite a number of relatives. My family knew my longtime female partner, so there's no drama regarding whom I date. And no matter my age, my parents continue to offer me their comfort. All is going well.

Except that I have this nagging stress - let's name it Bug - that insists upon sitting with me no matter how much I prefer it to leave. I have some challenges in my life that I helped to create or allowed to fester. Not intentionally, of course, just from misguided intentions. But there they are. I've begun the hard work to resolve or re-route them. But Bug is much too loud, making the job harder and pooping on the good stuff. The silver lining, I suppose, is that the messes belong to me.

So I see that I need to develop new habits which, it has been said in many ways, will create new patterns and the new life I seek. And I've begun.

• I've stopped focusing on the shortcomings of others so that I can see where I need to grow;
• I'm asking others to show me how to do things, rather than taking care of it for me;
• I'm sitting longer with frustration when confused and learning to solve problems myself; and
• I'm facing big challenges and despite the discomfort, tackling them one step at a time.

Most of the people who love me plus my therapist have all said that the parts of my life I regret have come about because I was busy trying to rescue or please someone(s) else at the expense of myself. My dad today threw in the irony that caring for myself is the best way to care for others so they don't need to care for me and I can truly be there for them. Great advice.

What I want myself to know is that the challenges are there, no matter how I feel about them, so stop listening to Bug's chatter. Ignore the fear and live in love.